On Banning Bossy

It was my sister who first brought the "Ban Bossy" campaign to my attention, when we were discussing our niece and her, uh, leadership tendencies, if a two-year-old shouting, "No! You do it!" can be described as a leader.

Since then, I've watched the video and read various posts on it, and I've been mulling over why it doesn't sit quite right with me. Initially I thought my knee-jerk eye roll was due to yet another "Treat girls like boys" sentiment. But the truth is that I don't have my own children and I haven't observed enough children of both genders to know if their respective bossiness is indeed handled differently. Sheryl Sandberg, who is spearheading the movement, has apparently been keeping up her data analysis at the playground while I'm racing my niece to the slide. And that, I suppose, is why Sheryl is the COO of Facebook and I am a person who wastes time on Facebook. I thought it only fair to dig deeper and ask myself if she was on to something.

Here is what I know: The same sister I mentioned above has many childhood memories of being shoved into a costume and made to play a supporting role of my choosing. When my parents told me I was being too bossy, they weren't trying to stifle my ambitions. In fact, they got me involved in theatre programs at a young age and always encouraged my talents. But they also placed great emphasis on being kind and fair to others; what they wanted to discourage was my propensity for treating my friends like props and disregarding their ideas. If I was emulating a leader, it was of the dictator variety. (I never saw them treat my brother differently, mostly because he is the youngest and never stood a chance at being bossy.)

I've realized that what ultimately bothers me about "Ban Bossy" is its oversimplification of the issue. True leaders create other leaders. They accept feedback, trade ideas, and seek out talent to enhance the team. So perhaps some parents are quicker to notice unkind behavior in their daughters than in their sons. And yes, some men have built their careers on getting others to do their bidding. Rather than want girls to grow up to do the same, don't we owe it to all children to teach them a bigger lesson? I don't have an alliterative catchphrase, but I think we can do better than boycotting a word. By all means, intervene when you witness bossiness in your sons and daughters, and instead teach them real leadership values that will not only be good for their career, but also for the world.

xo cbg

Dear Feminist Rabbis

I think I'm pretty qualified to write this. One, I'm a woman. By the way, you will never, ever know what it is like to be a woman, no matter how many women you're surrounded by. And of course, you wouldn't try to tell me that you're in touch with your feminine side, because you subscribe to the secular notion that all masculine and feminine traits are subjective and simply programmed into us. I can only wonder what I've missed out on in life thanks to my gender-specific toys. They obviously negated my education and my parents' encouragement. What a waste all my writing is when I could be operating a crane right now! Or maybe the truth is that my siblings and I were taught to share all our toys, and we usually did, and I totally hijacked my brother's Legos only to build a house and focus on the Lego people's family life. And maybe, just maybe, it's because I have this inherent wisdom that the real building blocks of any society are families, not skyscrapers. For all the feminist tears shed over little girls playing Barbies, never was there a more submissive male than Ken. It was actually a relief to grow up and discover that my boyfriends would not wear more pink than me.

But I also have a perspective shaped from three decades in the non-Jewish world and all the feminist conditioning that came with it. I believe so strongly in Judaism's understanding of women precisely because I have seen and experienced firsthand the failings of feminism. Whether it's regarding sex, clothing, family, careers, and so on, feminism has not allowed women to fully come into their own as women but taught them to imitate men. This attitude has bled into the liberal Jewish movements and your corner of Modern Orthodoxy, which is why you think an empowered Jewish woman lays tefillin and becomes a Rabbi.

Do you have any idea how arrogant it is to dismiss the achievements of Jewish women over the last 3,500 years? You act as though we've simply been playing house, and now, finally, we have the opportunity to step into the roles created by men. You think you're enlightened, but you could not have it more backwards. When you attempt to argue against traditional roles, you are the one reducing my role to the color pink and housework, which only serves to prove that you do not understand the greatness of women.

You are here today because of all the Jewish women who have come before you. The women who defied Pharaoh's orders, who refused to participate in the sin of the Golden Calf, who knew which son should be blessed, who beheaded Holofernes, who took care of their families every day, and not for any title, not for any honor and glory, but purely for the continuity of the Jewish people.

It is interesting to me that the Rabbis who label themselves as feminists are the ones who think they need to speak for women. When I first entered the Orthodox world and had questions about women in Judaism, my very traditional Rabbi didn't even attempt to sway me. He simply said, "Talk to my wife. Talk to any Orthodox woman you want. See if they're unhappy." And believe me, I did. I spoke with women who stayed at home to raise their children and women who worked outside the home. However much or little work in the home they did, they all cherished their roles as wives and mothers and felt cherished in return. As much as you may want to paint the Orthodox world as oppressive toward women, it has never had a problem with women having careers. When opportunities opened up in the secular world, more Jewish women went to work along with non-Jewish women. What you fail to understand is the importance of a Jewish woman as the foundation of her family. It doesn't matter whether she is a lawyer, a doctor, or a stay-at-home mom, the center of Jewish life has always been and will always be the home. Not the synagogue. If a woman feels that she must play a prominent role in the synagogue in order to be honored and respected, that is a sign that the community is failing to honor its women. Men who only respect women who act like men can hardly be considered pro-woman.

Valuing the work of a woman who takes care of her family offers more choices for her, not fewer. Feminism, on the other hand, dismisses the contributions of any woman without a career. It proclaims that society is built on achievements, and women have got a lot of catching up to do. I once had a very feminist coworker tell me that being a stay-at-home mom was a waste of a life. Judaism is not trying to chain every woman in the kitchen, but feminism absolutely does tell women they only matter if they're in an office. This, I believe, is why feminism has such a branding problem today. As women marry and have children, they are realizing that a movement that fails to acknowledge what they feel and are willing to do as mothers does not necessarily have their best interests at heart.

So while we can agree that women having more opportunities in the secular realm is a good thing, your mistake is in thinking the same needs to happen in Judaism. This presumption is wrong on two fronts: First, we do not adjust Jewish beliefs according to the whims of the secular world. Our very refusal to do so (often led by women) has preserved Judaism from the giving of the Torah to the present day. As I said in my previous point on tefillin, we innovate, yes, but we do not imitate. Second, for all your praise of women, you seem reluctant to acknowledge that we are spiritually superior. We are the culmination of creation, Hashem's most complex work (and you wonder why you can't figure us out). Our ability to not only create life but sustain it allows us to naturally emulate G-d. It makes perfect sense to me that our role cannot be captured with a single title. The more you try, the more it will elude you.

I live by the motto Res non verba. I look at actions, not words. I did not come to these views lightly or because of one Rabbi. Rather, over the last four years, the best experiences I've had in the Orthodox world have been with traditional Orthodox women. They range in age, background, and hashkafa, but they all share pride in their role and an absolute disinterest in imitating men. Where Rabbis could not help me, these women succeeded. None of them spent precious time or energy attempting to gain recognition; they simply acted. That speaks volumes for me.

Such women are the ones who have been true leaders for nearly forty centuries. They are the reason I am so passionate about this topic and why I will continue to speak out against the influence of feminism.

cbg

Why I Won't Wear Tefillin

It is always with amusement that I listen to someone describe the fashion industry as "frivolous." There is a degree of frivolity, to be sure, as with most creative pursuits, but fashion permeates the lives of even the most oblivious among us. Everyone thinks about what they wear. No one would dream of going to an interview in sweat pants, regardless of how solid their resume is. On Purim or Halloween, costumes and characters are identifiable either due to a specific moment in fashion history or because of the self-expression that fashion makes possible. 

The Torah holds clothing in the same high regard, as the Written dictates every detail of what the High Priest will wear, and the Oral specifies how to fulfill the commandment of laying tefillin. Tradition tells us that the Israelites were on the lowest possible spiritual level when they were freed from bondage. One of the things that preserved their identity and prevented them from being a lost cause altogether was maintaining a difference in dress from the Egyptians. This is why many groups of Orthodox Jews choose to dress in a very distinctive manner today. Beyond appearances, however, I think Judaism requires a different approach to what we wear, and it is the reason I see no need to wear tefillin.

In the secular world, there is a lot of imitation in terms of fashion that goes on. Confusing style with status, people buy designer "knockoffs." When women began entering the work force in the 70s and 80s, they did so in "power suits" to prove they were up to the task. Rather than explore and express one's own unique potential, an individual mistakenly equates fashion with expensive, or success with masculinity, and seeks a quick, external fix to what they want to be. 

The Jewish people are commanded to be a nation of priests. It would be a mistake to think that this is accomplished simply by dressing like the Kohen Gadol, whose role is undoubtedly important. One of the many groundbreaking advances of Judaism was the idea that each person could have a relationship with G-d without an intermediary. In short, the role of priest is not reduced to a garment. Clothing in Judaism is rife with meaning, and on many occasions, it points to something bigger than the tangible element. In other words, performing a ritual such as tefillin provides a way to capture the essence of inscribing the Torah on one's mind and heart, much like a picture book helps a child to follow a story. 

I do not say this to emasculate men. I adore men. But it is no secret in Judaism that women are considered spiritually superior. Therefore, any mitzvah that men are held to must be understood as a step they are taking in an attempt to reach women's level. For women to imitate that step is not only superfluous, it diminishes our power. 

I did not come to the decision to be Modern Orthodox lightly. I knew that I would face more temptation and have to constantly be on guard against secular influences. This is where the different approach to clothing comes in: Contrary to what the outside world says, in Judaism, what we don't wear is just as significant as what we do. I don't begrudge men their tzitzit, tefillin, kippot, or anything else that sort of beats them over the head with "Please TRY to behave more like the women and less like the animals, mmmk?" My exemption from wearing any of these speaks to my ability to just get it naturally. When, that is, I fully own my strengths as a woman and take my cues from Jewish tradition, not secularism. 

In Judaism, we don't imitate; we innovate. If you are looking to grow as a Jewish woman, use the gift of your binah to love the Lord your G-d in everything you do, and lead the Jewish people--and the world--forward. 

cbg

The Feminist Mistake.

I'm so happy and honored to be back at LadyMama with a new post, this time to discuss my beef with the feminist definition of "empowerment," and how Judaism has shown me what it truly means to be a strong woman. Let me know what you think!

cbg